School

I am nearing the end of my middle school years and going into the unknown, very frightening, high school years *dun dun dunnn*. A lot of people I know are leaving and it scares me because I can't stand the thought of some of my best friends leaving me. Although I know they aren't truly going to be gone, it still is a difficult thing for my little mind to grasp. As I talked about in my last post, our school does these senior projects called capstones. When I was in 6th grade I always imagined my senior self getting on main stage with Mr. Morello as my mentor and announcing that I was going to tisch and pursuing acting. Ever since 7th grade that all changed, I began to get into makeup and then considered getting into the makeup industry. I totally dropped acting as a possibility, even though I was so young I wanted to make my life decisions so soon. I was that girl. The girl that had her whole life planned out by the time she was 11. Now I am in the 8th grade and need to decide what I am going to do with my high school years. All my other friends have difficult decisions to be making like what private school to go to or if they're going to move, mines not that difficult. I want to stay at the school that I am at currently and then do an early college program for my junior and senior years. I know its not as exciting as getting into a fancy private school or moving to a different country but I think it will allow me to get more serious about what I want to do with my life sooner. Also I might meet cute college boys and have less classes. which sounds amazing. um so sorry if this isn't a super cool and interesting topic but my life is pretty boring and I didn't have anything to talk about.

xoxo

Ellie  

This is going to be a Chiché entry

So I haven't wrote on this blog for a few weeks. Honestly I didn't know what to write about, I mean I still don't (I'm not going to go super in depth with about this topic, though I might in a later entry). I guess I don't care who reads this, this is what I'm feeling right now and I want to share it with you all. Recently when I'm with my friends I have this insecure feeling that I've never felt before. I feel like every movement I make and thing that comes out of my mouth is going to be judged. Its honestly gotten to the point where I don't want to say anything anymore, not because I don't feel safe around my friends. I love my friends and my family so much and I trust them to never judge me negatively, but that's exactly what I'm doing to myself. I don't want to talk about my self because I don't want to sound to selfish but I don't want to talk about others to much to the point where people get annoyed with me. So I end up trying not to talk, but that doesn't always go the way I want it to. I always end up saying the wrong thing and immediately regretting it. People think I care to much of what others think but it's the complete opposite, I care to much of what I think. I have this idea of a perfect girl that says the perfect things and everyone loves her. I have come to a realization that she is an image of people I have seen and who I aspire to be, she is not real and I just need to learn to love what my mama gave me. So for all the people that think we insecure people are afraid of you, you're wrong. We are afraid of the monsters that live inside of us and come out to haunt us every time we look in the mirror. I believe sadness is something you choose, it is not chosen for you. I fed my sadness by looking at depressing blogs and never excepting who I was.

This week was capstone week at our school. Capstones are artistic presentations seniors do to show us how our school has changed them, and their life journey. There were two capstones that particularly stood out to me. They both talked about their insecurity's and how they dealt with them, something I could clearly relate to. I felt as though they were directly talking to me, like I was the only one in that building. Like their monologues were written just for me, I felt a little less alone and more understood. I came to a realization this week that there is no point in regretting, being negative or shy. Why not just live life to the fullest? This might seem like a quite simple concept to grasp, but for me it took a while. I would look at everything very negatively but now I see why positive people are confident and a brighter as a whole.

I believe that in life you receive what you give, when you're a positive person I believe you will receive  positivity in the form of loving friends and family and amazing opportunity's. Negativity is a choice, why not choose positivity. I'm so sorry this was so chiché but its whats on my mind and wanted to get something up.

Till next time, 
xoxo Ellie